Being A Better Stepmother – Some Coping Strategies
Written by Heather Matthews -
Saturday, 27 September 2008
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 Being a stepmother can be difficult: it’s challenging to enter into a family dynamic this way, and live with children when you are not their biological mother. If you feel somewhat overwhelmed by the issues and impact of your stepmother status, try to remember that you are not alone: many women have struggled with this problem, and there are resources out there to help you cope with your new role as a stepmother.
It is possible to avoid the wicked stepmother stereotype by practicing patience, respect, and compassion. While there may always be trying situations with regard to your stepchild or stepchildren, you should always aim to keep some perspective, and take the high road. When you are able to enjoy life with your new family, you will relax and find your role as a stepparent more satisfying.
Remember, it is an adjustment on both sides, and children are very vulnerable to any differences in their home life. By acting out or displaying hostility, they may simply be illustrating their fear and insecurity. It’s hard to be a stepmother, if you must deal with aggression from the children: the most important thing you can do it simply remain calm and not allow your emotions and ego to influence the way you deal with the children. It does no good to get angry or resentful, although these feeling are natural enough: if you can manage to keep these feelings inside, it will be better for everyone.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to friends or counselors about what you are going through: your feelings are important, and you need to express them, instead of bottling them up. Just choose the people you talk to about your parenting woes carefully: it may not be your best option to complain to your spouse about this: parents are very sensitive about any criticism of their children, and it could cause more problems than it solves. You must be mature and always remember that you entered into this new marriage willingly: you have a responsibility to make things work as best you can. A counselor or close friend will help you vent in a way that is positive for you and the family.
To feel less isolated in your role as a stepmother is very important:
There are message boards and websites devoted to the exchange of support and ideas from one stepmother to another. You should look around for these resources, and perhaps find a support group in your area where you can meet a couple of times a month for tea, cookies, and sympathy. You will feel more understood if you align with other people in the same boat, and you will come out of these meetings feeling stronger, since other women in similar circumstances have supported your emotions.
If you are feeling resentment and sadness, because you struggle in your role as a stepmother, don’t despair: this is very common, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. You must seek out counseling or support groups to help you through the adjustments you must make as you face the challenges of parenting your stepchildren. When you’ve educated yourself, and expressed yourself to people who can truly help, your attitude will change, and you will feel less powerless. Eventually, you can enjoy a family life where everyone feels respected and loved: the work you do to get to that point will be rewarded as you move forward together, as a cohesive unit.
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