 It’s never easy to say no to a child, especially your own child. Children always want things, and they often feel thwarted by their parents, when they do say no: it’s important to find ways of saying no that are, in the end, positive.
Parenting is harder when you say no – short-term – but the benefits of discipline and firmness win out in the long run. Giving in to your child too often is bad for their character, and, without boundaries, children can feel unmoored and unsafe. Here are some tips on improving the way that you say no, so that there is less argument and conflict as a result.
- Say It Gently – Our tone of voice, our body language, when we say no to our child, may be noticed more than the word “no” itself: do you seem angry, or impatient, when you tell your child that something they want is not possible? Take a moment to see yourself through their eyes: if you come off as forbidding or irritated, they will be more likely to start an argument, or mimic your tone and attitude.
A gentle, calm tone of voice, and a quiet explanation about why you are refusing their request, can work wonders. Children are different at different ages: young children may need help in learning how to cope with the frustration that your “no” triggers in them. By being calm, you can demonstrate to them that there is no need for outbursts or acting out, when things don’t go as they’d like. In older children, consider that the things that are very important to them, such as staying out late with friends, may not seem as important to you. Things like peer pressure can make a parental refusal embarrassing and cause a lot of resentment. Be sure to be sensitive to their situation when considering their request, and give them a lot of room to voice their grievances, as long as they do it calmly and respectfully.
- Let Them Know They Are Still Loved – Children are still maturing, still learning how to cope with the world around them. They don’t have our life experience to temper their desires and their wants. Always be certain your child understands that you love them, even though they may be angry with you for saying no to them. Sometimes children may think that you don’t care, because you won’t give them something that they feel they want so badly. It’s important to remember that they are children – and that you are the adult – you must train them in learning to cope with the stress of being turned down or refused. You can always tell your child that you love them, when things are easy and going well, but sometimes it is important to remind your child, even when you are at odds and arguing, that they are everything to you, and that you no is not a rejection of them, it is a rejection of their request.
Saying no to a child is hard, but, if you truly feel that it is necessary, you must stand firm, quietly explain, and stick to your resolve, always bearing in mind that your son or daughter does not yet have your adult reasoning skills, or self-control. If you remain calm, and tell them that you love them, even when they are angry with you, you will teach them the proper way to react.
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