Seven Ways To Become A Victim Of Road Rage
Written by Michael Lazar - Monday, 29 September 2008
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 In light of the many recent victims of road rage—bless your souls you are totally innocent most of the time—we found it necessary to make comedy out of tragedy. So what better way to do this than by telling people how they too can share in the fun. That’s right, there are some really quick and easy ways that you too can be a joyful victim of road rage, if you so desire that is.
Simply by following these tried, true and proven top seven steps, you will find yourself getting dragged out of your vehicle and beaten senseless. And now here is the disclaimer our lawyers forced us to post prior to writing this article.
WARNING: this is just a joke, it is not real. { DO NOT FOLLOW THESE WAYS. WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO YOU. THESE ARE FICTIONAL SUGGESTIONS THAT ARE NOT MEANT TO BE COPIED.} Guide to Better holds no responsibility whatsoever, or liability, for any actions that occur out of your own stupidity. Read this article at your own risk and liability. And seriously, if you do go out and do this, you are a moron! Enjoy!
 Use your middle finger to say hello: The next time a very muscular dude in a chopped pickup truck cuts you off, honk really loud. Then race up to next to him and say hello over and over again using your middle finger. He will be so overjoyed that you may end up having a delightful conversation together. And the truth be told, there is no better way than to tell somebody that you deeply care for them than by offering up the one finger solute greeting, which speaks clearly in every known language to man, even Portuguese.
One would have to say that if you had to find and look up the actual statistics of it all, that flipping the bird to somebody while on the road is one of the surest ways to piss them off. Perhaps they are having a bad day; perhaps they did not intend to cut you off. No matter what, once you tell them how you feel about it, you may be surprised to see how they react. To avoid this, refrain from tell them where to go and keep going on your way.
 Never use a turn signal, what are those for: A turn signal, why? Nobody needs to know your turning, it’s your road! Instead, just mercilessly cut people off and teach them whose road they are trampling on, and if they get upset, revert to the above step. And in reality, the turn signal on almost every vehicle is fairly easily accessible. You need merely but slide your left hand downwards and wrap your fingers around it and boom: your turn signal is on.
But for some reason, us many victims of road rage have no sense of how this mysterious device works. Rather, we choose to simply turn where and when we please—that is how good drivers drive right? And then people, who seem to know how to use this crazy device, get peeved? Why is that I wonder? For every time you fail to use your signal, don’t be surprised to see people signaling you back with their middle finger.
 Make sure that you have one or more offensive bumper stickers: The best way to become a victim of road rage is to make sure that you have several offensive bumper stickers. Think along the lines of anti-political bumper stickers, pro global warming stickers, big oil is great and other things like: PETA ROCKS! I am sure that you have seen some pretty funny bumper stickers in your day and that in the same sense you have also seen ones that kind of offended you.
If you are really to become a surefire victim of road rage, you need to have plenty of bumper stickers that are seriously offensive to all. Like Bush is a Nazi, 911 was a conspiracy and others that you know will really get under the skin of those poor and troubled, sometimes violent drivers behind you. Do this and you are certain to find your tires slashed when you get out of that double feature movie at the mall.
 Be that guy who whips in and out: Everybody loves that person who cuts them off at just the last second to avoid merging and nearly causes a ten car pileup. Be that guy, you are certain to get your ass kicked! You know what I am talking about here too. Okay, so you are approaching a section of the freeway that requires two lanes to merge into one. Then right as the last portion of road is about to end on the merge, here he comes, whipping through, no turn signal, no advanced notice, and bam—if you do not slow down you hit him for him being an impatient jerk.
Imagine how much that angers anybody. This guy could merely slow down a second and you would have plenty of room. But instead they choose to almost cause an accident to get one car ahead for no good reason at all. If you want to make sure people are out to get you on the road, do this as often as you can. And then follow the first reason when other drivers get upset at you.
 Hit on other guy’s girlfriends at stoplights: The best way to really get your face stomped in is to hit on other people’s girlfriends at stoplights, when they are present in the next seat over. Say something to affect of: “Are you hanging out with your little brother today babe?” Have you ever had that happen to you when you are driving with your girlfriend or significant other and stop at a light?
I am certain many of you have experienced this notion. And there is no better way to piss another driver off, in the car or out of the car, or to piss anybody off, except swingers of course, than by hitting on their girlfriend and offending them at the same time. Do this and you will surely become a victim of road rage quickly.
 Steal parking spaces often: Be that person who zips into the parking space at the last second when the dude in the SUV in front of you was stopped with their turn signal on. Then use the first step to tell them how you feel. You know what I am talking about. Somebody is stopped waiting for another car to back out of a parking space so they can park in that space. Then along comes the savior of the day, you and me, and we zip in at the very last second and take the space.
You are certain to get a nice yelling at when you do this. The best way to handle this situation is to tell them kindly that you care not about “their” problems. In fact you are better than they are and you care only for yourself and those who benefit you. This is certain to rile them up to the point of violence.
Tailgating is not just for football games: Ride the back of cars until they brake check you. Then repeat. You know that annoying driver who comes speeding up behind you when you are already doing like ten over the speed limit on the freeway. The guy who can never go fast enough! Then they never veer, they stay on your tail until you nearly get hit by them, assuming that you should move out of the way because it is “Their Road!”
Well be that guy. They are right, it’s “Your Road!” Why should you have to change lanes around other cars when you are the only one who has the god given right to be driving on this road in the first place? Once you ride their tail for long enough, they will eventually move out of the way and realize that you are better than they are!
You have probably fallen victim to one of these before, we empathize. Or worse, guilty of performing one of these acts of road madness - in which case, take a chill pill and relax. You're not in as much a hurry as you think you are!
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